Why subscribe?

As a subscriber you will receive an exclusive weekly photo of my cats. That’s all the subscription would be for. That’s it! Well, I make the reservation to add more benefits later on. But for legal purposes, this is definitely not a commercial venture.

As for my two cats, they’re cute little shitstains and so it will be more than worth it. Trust me, your hard earned money will go a long way to ensure they have a steady stream of liquid cat-nip spray and holistic treats.

To be honest, I’ve tried doing a bit of research into what this holistic cat treat market is all about, and I haven’t really been able to figure it out. But it does sound like it’s well worth the extra expense. And after all… I definitely want my cats burying me, not vice versa.

I should add that I have made very specific additions to my will that are dependent on the condition I am discovered in, so to speak. In a nutshell, I’ve accounted for my cats eating my face after my death. I’ve prepared for it. Sometimes, I even feel I’ve embraced it.

Why won’t you offer subscriber exclusive content?

For one, I don’t need the money. I’ve got two pensions and a sizeable investment portfolio that’s earning me enough cash to survive on a top-tier Caribbean island until my death. I’m talking two or three escorts and an eight-ball a day if I wanted to. But I don’t. But I could. If I wanted to. Which I don’t. But I might…

And really, I just want people to read my hard-hitting, investigative, award-winning, really real journalism. Really. I want it to go out free into the world. As free as a grown man’s penis in a late evening breeze at a boring wedding reception. So very liberating (trust me).

So if you want to support my cats. Subscribe. Otherwise, just keep reading and commenting. It keeps my blood pressure at a reasonable level.